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We are concluding our
BUILDING A HOME OR A HELL series this week. Have you
enjoyed it? Has it challenged you and made you think and
inventory your own self? Guess it is all according to if you
want a HOME OR A HELL.
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Let’s look quickly at the
verse we have used as a foundation verse.
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[Hosea 4:6] my
people are destroyed from lack of knowledge. "Because
you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my
priests; because you have ignored the law [ways] of your
God, I also will ignore YOUR CHILDREN.
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God’s people, not the
devil’s people, are destroyed for lack of knowledge.
Knowledge is available, but rejected. We will see this
vividly today and also see the consequences upon our
children.
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We have talked about the
major challenge that the woman of the house faces – being
contentious and not trusting God to deal with her husband.
We have talked about the major challenge that the man of the
house faces – maintaining an atmosphere that will provide
for a wife and children a place to make him happy. Today,
let’s talk about the major challenge concerning the
children.
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[Ephesians 6:1-4]
CHILDREN, OBEY YOUR PARENTS because you belong to the
Lord, for this is the right thing to do. "Honor your father
and mother." This is the first of the Ten Commandments that
ends with a promise. And this is the promise: If you honor
your father and mother, "you will live a long life, full of
blessing." And now a word to you fathers. Don't make your
children angry by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them
up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord.
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How many of us – adults,
children, and all in-between – would say that a child
obeying his or her parents is the major challenge concerning
children? It is for the child and it is for the parents. How
good would life be for everyone – children and parents – if
every child obeyed his or her parents the first time
instructed every time?
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The previous verses seem to
suggest that the child should want to obey their parents
FOR THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
However, I have found that children do not always move by
the right thing to do. Nonetheless, the
apostle gives several reasons that they should do what is
right. Paul said that one reason children should obey
their parents is because they …BELONG TO THE LORD.
But, how many parents have found that because your child
is a Christian does not always help a lot when it comes to
their obeying? It should, but does not. Paul said another
reason that children should want to obey their parents is
because obeying is …HONORING YOUR FATHER
AND MOTHER.
That simply means
that the children give the parents a good name. But again,
how many parents have found that most children do not even
think about bringing a good name to their parents. Paul
gives another reason that children should obey their
parents. He said that the fifth commandment, which is
honor your father and mother, gives a promise which is
YOU WILL LIVE A LONG
LIFE, FULL OF BLESSING.
However again, I
have never seen a child obey because of that promise. I do
not think that Paul had seen it much either, so he moved to
where the responsibility actually falls and how children
obeying their parents will actually happen. He said, “And
now a word to you FATHERS.” Let’s look at that verse
again.
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[Ephesians 6:4] And
now a word to YOU FATHERS.
DON'T
MAKE YOUR CHILDREN ANGRY
by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the
DISCIPLINE and INSTRUCTION APPROVED BY THE
LORD.
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Fathers, it is on you to
have children that obey. I am aware that there are single
moms. In that case, you move into this position and,
actually, it can be easier because you will not have to
battle with a spouse when it comes to discipline.
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Discipline and instruction
are on the father’s shoulders. However, verse 1 said,
Children obey your PARENTS. That means
the mother does discipline, too. Usually the mother is with
the children much more than the father. She will actually be
required to do more of the actual disciplining. The father
is to be there to reinforce what mom has already addressed.
Sometimes this requires double discipline – get it from mom
and get it from dad. Mom, you can’t let the children run
crazy and then dump all the discipline on dad when he gets
home. You are tearing your house down with your own hands.
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Let me say that
DISCIPLINE is APPROVED BY THE LORD. I
find that often one or both parents have trouble with
disciplining their children. The results are always children
out of control. Add to that the dilemma of stepparents and
it becomes complex and more difficult. Parents and
stepparents have to be a team on the same page doing the
same things if you want children that obey and make you look
good and give you a good name.
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The first thing that Paul
instructed fathers to do was, “Don't make your
children angry by the way you treat them.” WHAT? You
are telling me that I am supposed to be responsible for my
children’s obedience, but that I am not supposed to make
them ANGRY? That is what the Bible says. Allow me to
explain. Your child will become angry when properly
disciplined, but when parents have correctly established the
boundaries of obedience and the parents and the child have
discussed those boundaries and discipline, the child HAS NO
RIGHT TO become angry with the parents. You establish solid,
unmovable, no trespass boundaries. Establish also the
discipline for trespassing just as solidly and unmovable.
Everyone knows them and THE PARENTS AND THE CHILDREN agree
that, if the child does this, then this is the penalty. When
the child crosses the boundary, they are bringing the
discipline upon themselves. They HAVE NO RIGHT TO become
angry with the parent. You are only doing what everyone KNEW
THE CONSEQUENCES WOULD BE..
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A problem I see today is the
parents allow the child to set the boundaries and constantly
move them. Or, there is no consistent discipline when
boundaries are crossed. One time it is ok to cross, but the
next time it is not. Children become confused and angry with
the parent because there are no clear, solid, unmovable
boundaries and consistent discipline. When done correctly,
the child will obey and honor you and not be angry because
of the way you treat them.
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Then Paul said,
“Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction
approved by the Lord.” No decent parent “enjoys”
disciplining his or her child and your child knows that. The
child will play that card to manipulate the parents and, if
possible, play the parents against one another. It is in
this arena that I see some serious problems today. Mom and
dad must agree upon both boundaries and discipline. If you
are not a team and not on the same page, here is what
usually happens. Usually, not always, mom and the children
will keep things FROM OR conspire against dad. “Now, let’s
not tell daddy about this. He will not understand. He will
get mad. We will just keep this between us. Okay?” Mom, you
are totally confusing your children. You are training them
to deceive not only their father, but also you. If it’s ok
to deceive dad, then it must be ok to deceive mom and later,
they will deceive their husband or wife. IN REALITY, YOU ARE
TRAINING YOUR CHILDREN TO BE DECEITFUL
AND
MANIPULATIVE PEOPLE.
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Fathers, you would be amazed
how much this is happening. I will say it this way. This
COULD BE happening in most of your homes. Why? It is because
the father has not taken responsibility for the obedience of
your children APPROVED BY THE LORD. Your wife
obviously does not trust you to discipline. Either she is:
(1) plainly manipulative; (2) feels dad will not discipline;
(3) or feels that when dad does discipline, he goes over the
top. “GOING Over the top” usually happens when dad has taken
all he can take because the wife restricts consistent
discipline or is always moving the boundaries. Mom, I think
that is a cop out. Can I say this? We would know if we had
abusive dads and we do not. However, we do know that we have
some rebellious children and frustrated fathers.
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I am not going to talk about
discipline techniques today. I will give one
scripture in different translations to show you how far some
of us are from the ways of god.
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Proverbs 23:13-14
Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest
him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with
the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.
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Now take inventory. See how
that grates and repulses you. See how society has affected
you to make you think that is wrong and abusive. It is not a
pleasurable verse for any of us and if you said something
like, “I’m not going to do that,” then you have rejected the
Word of God. You have ignored God’s Word and forced God to
ignore you and your children not because he wants to. You
have tied his hands.
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NIV - 23:13-14 DO
NOT WITHHOLD DISCIPLINE FROM A CHILD; if you punish him
with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and
save his soul from death.
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I could give you scripture
after scripture along these lines, but why? Most are not
going to do it. I say that from experience. We did a
workshop a few years ago where we went through this
extensively. DID ANYTHING CHANGE IN YOUR HOMES? I just
keep hearing the horror stories about your children. Did you
know that some people do not allow their children to come to
SHINE or the children’s ministries because of the way some
of our children behave?
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Allow me to say this before
I leave this scripture. If you do what the Word of God says
concerning “the rod,” use wisdom. Do not “PUNISH”
(discipline) your child WITH THE ROD in the middle of
Wal-Mart. My daughter Bonnie has two “real” boys and does a
very good job with discipline. One or both of them became
very disobedient while out shopping one day. Bonnie took the
boys to the car. Closed the doors and there “PUNISHED THEM
WITH THE ROD.” Use some wisdom.
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The form of discipline
changes as the child becomes older.
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[Proverbs 22:6]
Train up a CHILD in the way he should go: and when he
is old, he will not depart from it.
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The Hebrew word for child
is na`ar 5288 and means from the age of
infancy to adolescence. You will train a
toddler differently than you will train a
seventeen-year-old. A spanking may be just the right
discipline for a dad to give a toddler or a twelve year old,
but not a good option for a seventeen-year-old young woman
acting like a ten year old. Discipline needs to remain
consistent. If a spanking is an adequate discipline for a
toddler then an equally adequate discipline must take place
for the seventeen-year-old, i.e. driving privileges, going
off with friends, telephone, internet, allowance, etc.
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Consistency is a must. You
may have heard my children talk about “the eye.” I have this
habit of raising my right eyebrow when I am intense and
serious. If my children were misbehaving and I gave them
“the eye,” they knew they were about to be trained.
They already knew what boundary they had crossed and they
already knew the consequence. They NEVER REMAINED ANGRY WITH
ME NOR DID THEY HAVE
A RIGHT TO BE angry with me WHEN I ENFORCED THE CONSEQUENCE.
What they said was something like, “Oh no! I messed up.”
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Paul said “discipline and
instruction approved by the Lord.” In our last few
minutes, I want to talk about the INSTRUCTION part. I
instructed my son how to play baseball, fish, and hunt,
drive a car, work on automobiles, fix things, etc. I did
that instruction by spending a lot of quality time with him
doing those things. My point is INSTRUCTION is not
commands and orders. While I was instructing about those
things, I was also instructing him about how to be a
father, a husband, and an employee – a man. I ALSO
INSTRUCTED HIM AS I DISCIPLINED HIM. WE WOULD DISCUSS WHY I
WAS PUNISHING HIM AND THEN I PUNISHED HIM. I DID NOT JUST
THROW HIM ACROSS THE BED
AND PUNISH HIM WITH
THE ROD. I did it the way APPROVED BY THE LORD (Bible).
Did I ever fumble the ball? Oh yes thousands of times!
Sometimes I even ran the wrong direction and crossed the
wrong goal line. I do not want to present myself as the
perfect father and husband. I have not been, but I did
INSTRUCT my children by spending a lot of quality time
with them. Do you know what? I still do and enjoy it. They
were the cream then and they continue to be top-notch people
now raising their children in the discipline and
instruction approved by the Lord.
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So, father, do you attempt
to “give orders” to instruct, or do you instruct by giving
quality time? I have noticed that most unruly children have
spent little quality time with their fathers or stepfathers.
I am not saying it is always that way, but often that way.
That will carry over into their spiritual life as well. To
them, Father God will not be fun to be around. He will only
be a Father of orders and commands.
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The primary challenge for a
child is to OBEY YOUR FATHER
AND MOTHER.
If they will, they will be good Christians winning people to
Jesus. They will bring honor – good name – to their parents.
They will live long and blessed lives. However, all that
depends upon fathers teaming with the wife to
establish and do discipline and instruction approved by
the Lord. Pre-establish boundaries and consequences. Be
consistent. Do not move boundaries or allow the child to
move the boundaries nor the consequences. Spend quality time
to instruct. NOW THESE THREE REMAIN, TEAMWORK, INSTRUCTION
AND CONSISTENCY.
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO
WORK ON THE MOST? If you will, you will have children that
will obey you, honor you, and live long and blessed lives.
You will have a HOME
AND NOT A HELL.
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